Are you there Ra? It's me Malik
by WigglyJello
Summary: Blackmailed by Isis and Ryou, Malik and Bakura set of for hours of non stop torment, oh did I mention we’re throwing Anzu into this picture? Yes, yes a shopping trip from hell (Re-written and edited)
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Here is my second attempt at this story, there was simply to much pointless crap that made no sense in my last story. *is ashamed* Any way, the first chapter will probably be similar for those of you who have already read it, however the second and the third will be completely re written. Any ways here you go and enjoy.  
  
Disclaimer: Introspective-mortal does not own YGO... *drop of tear*  
  
This story is rated PG-13  
  
It MAY contain Yaoi references, spontaneous acts of violence, suicidal refrences and some foul language. Now, if you send a flame to me for any of these reasons, I will sit here mocking you endlessly and laughing my head off. Don't like it, don't read it.  
  
Summary: Blackmailed by Isis and Ryou, Malik and Bakura set of for hours of non stop torment, oh did I mention we're throwing Anzu into this picture? Yes, yes a shopping trip from hell ^^  
  
and so it begins....  
  
Are you there Ra? It's me Malik  
  
Prologue  
  
It all started out on a beautiful Friday afternoon. The blue birds and robins were chirping. The rabbits were screwing mercilessly and lastly a certain blonde Egyptian was lazily lounging around on the sofa. Sadly, our prince charming was awoken by the deranged sounds of moaning rabbits and chirping robins. Such creatures never existed in Egypt, had they, they would have likely ended up in a sandwich, or an aphrodisiac, he couldn't remember.  
  
Reluctantly, he pulled himself out of the warm cushions and forced himself to go to the kitchen. Grabbing a carton of milk, he took a deep swig. Nearly choking down the stuff, he spit it all out. The milk dripped down his chin and down his bare chest (A/N: *drools*). For all of you wondering, no he isn't naked. He's wearing silky, lavender colored boxers thank you very much.   
  
"What the hell? Isis drinks this crap." He squinted as he read the label.  
  
"M-mi-lk," he sounded out the letters much like a toddler just learning to read.  
  
Ducking back into the fridge he pulled himself out a beer.   
  
The fumbling of keys could be heard outside the apartment door. Isis walked in with her arms full. Isis beamed with excitement.  
  
"There was a sale at the mall today, great finds. I'm no Mai, but a girl could get accustomed to this kind of living."  
  
Malik peered curiously into the bags and snorted.  
  
"What do you need all this garbage for?" He pulled out a piece of silk, white clothing, examining it closely. "This for example, what the hell is it?" He propped the top on his head and snapped the ends along his chin.  
  
Isis turned around and instantly snatched the item of his head. "This is a bra, but I highly doubt that you'll need one," she snapped viciously.  
  
Malik backed off slowly. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He pulled out a bright green box that read: Midol. He understood and backed off slowly, not wanting to provoke her.  
  
He plopped back onto the couch with his beer in hand. Being insane as he was, he started to mumble "Waste of time," under his breath. Sitting back, he though about it. Malls tended to have people, mind you idiotic people but people none the less. "I haven't practiced my shadow magic for some time now.." He amused himself and chuckled evilly.  
  
He popped the top off his beer and raised it to his lips. Isis snatched it out of his hands.  
  
"You shouldn't drink this crap. It'll kill you."  
  
Lavender eyes darted at the transparent bottle filled to the brim with the amber hued liquor, foaming at the top. He tried to reach for it but she slapped his hands away.  
  
"Damn it woman! I'm conscious and sober, there's no excuse for that!"  
  
Her eyes narrowed dangerously, she shot him a 'do you really want to mess with a woman who has PMS look.'  
  
Than her expression brightened. "Any ways, as I was saying. They have a sale going down at the mall. I thought you'd like to get some new clothes, after all your wardrobe could use some new additions. She said gesturing to his only shirt lying on the floor.  
  
"I happen to like that shirt," he protested. (A/N: It's the light purple one with gold chains.)  
  
"In any case, you need more than one shirt. Soo, your going shopping," she said. "With Anzu."  
  
"What?! That bitch? Hell no."  
  
"Your going."  
  
"I won't!"  
  
"You will."  
  
"I'd rather cut myself and bleed to death."  
  
"You can do that when you get new clothes."  
  
"Anzu's coming in five minutes, get dressed."  
  
"You can't make me."  
  
Isis pulled a single key out of her pocket. "If you don't, I'll sell Lucy to Honda."  
  
"W-wait," he sputtered. "You can't. He's a fag, he won't know how to take care of her. He'll use cheap gas and use an ass warmer. An ass warmer!"  
  
(A/N: Lucy being his motorbike and Honda being Tristian)  
  
He sniffed defeatedly. "Fine, I'll go." He swiped his only shirt and pulled it over his head.  
  
Behind the apartment door, muffled voices could be heard.  
  
"I won't do it!"  
  
"Yes you will."  
  
"I'll eat your cat."  
  
"You already killed him."  
  
"Oh yea.. I"ll burn down your house."  
  
"You live there too."  
  
"I'll. -"  
  
"Stop it or I'll pull your hair again."  
  
"Shit! No don't! I'll be good I swear."  
  
The much more violent, white haired boy banged impatiently on the door.   
  
Malik swung open the door grinning like crazy.  
  
"So the tomb robber is afraid of a little hair pulling?"  
  
Bakura scoffed. "No! Ryou told me if I didn't go, he'd force me to listen to the dubbed digimon song. Also, he said he'd sing along. This kid has a huge set of lungs."  
  
"Even when you try to suffocate him with a pillow," Bakura muttered under his breath.  
  
The Egyptian boy patted his back reassuringly.  
  
Ryou sided with Isis.  
  
She talked slowly but loudly, ensuring that they heard every word.  
  
"You won't terrorize anyone. You won't kill Anzu. You won't shoplift. You won't set anything on fire. You won't push people handing out flyers in food costumes hurtling down the escalator like last."  
  
"To be fair, we never succeeded in killing Anzu last time," Malik muttered darkly under his breath.  
  
"One more thing!" Ryou chimed in. "You can't attempt to kill yourselves until after you've gotten new clothes."  
  
"SHIT!" Bakura and Malik swore in unison.  
  
" I'm tired of you stealing everything I own. Do you know how hard blood stains are to get out?" Ryou chirped.  
  
The doorbell rang.  
  
"Hey you guys, it's me Anzu!" cried a voice.  
  
The blonde sniffled and cried into Bakura's chest, baiting their breaths and preparing for what would inevitably be, a day with super happy, friendship, cheerleader girl.  
  
A/N: *hides in fear* Hold your tomatos! I swear.. umm Ryou made me do it.. blarg any ways.. it would be better.. if I could find a beta reader.. *malicious sparkle* Anybody?? I'd bug my friends to do it but there all supa busy.. anyways.. read, review, flames.. email whatever.. go for it 


	2. Perverted Taxi Drivers and Feisty Tomb R...

A/N: Thanks for the feed back on the last chapters guys ^^;; any ways, I've been slightly busy with homework and all but here you go :D  
  
Disclaimer: No there not mine, but that doesn't stop me from kidnapping them and shoving them into my tiny closet *grins*  
  
**Are you there Ra? It's me Malik**  
  
Chapter one: Perverted taxi drivers and feisty tomb robbers.  
  
"Uh guys? Any one home," shouted the cheery brunette as she stood outside the door, waiting for someone to answer.  
  
Ding dong! Ding dong! Ding dong!  
  
Bakura leaned against the door and made a clucking sound with his tongue. He cleared his throat and 'attempted' to imitate Malik's voice.   
  
"Hi, you've reached the Ishtar residence. We're not home right now, please leave a note and slide it under the door. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. NOW GET THE FUCK OFF OUR PROPERTY ASSHOLES." Bakura than switched his voice up, and attempted to shriek in a Isis type manner. "MALIK!"  
  
Malik and Isis sweated profusely.  
  
"Baka," Malik hissed. He strode over and hit him harshly over the head.  
  
"Itai.. Kisama, asshole."  
  
Malik kneed him in the groin this time.  
  
"Mother.. fucki-"  
  
Ryou threw a book at Malik's head and it missed by an inch. Fortunately, Anzu had swung open the door and it hit her square in the nose.  
  
"Friends aren't suppose to throw things at each other," Anzu said dryly. Her nose turned a deep crimson shade mixed in with tones of dark purple.  
  
Bakura eyed her carefully, looking for signs of blood, when none came he walked off sadly.  
  
"Not to worry, it will stop throbbing soon. Nothing a little shopping can't cure," she said cheerfully, giving him a wink.  
  
"Oh 'Kura-kun, I love your hair!" She buried her head in his snow white spikes. She inhaled deeply and sighed contentedly.  
  
"Get. This. Thing. Off. Of. Me."  
  
Ryou stared at him, his big brown eyes radiating with merriment.  
  
"Please," he said through gritted teeth.  
  
Ryou took her hand and led her to the door. "You three should get going now, the good stuff won't be there all day."  
  
"Oh my gosh! You right. Lets go boys!" Anzu promptly linked arms with both of them and they strolled out the door.  
  
Slowly, the trio made there way out of the apartment building and piled into the taxi.   
  
The driver donned a brown trench coat and a floppy black hat.  
  
"Where to?"  
  
"The mall," Anzu replied.  
  
The driver started to swerve haphazardly throughout the streets, causing the three passengers to fall all over each other. Malik fell into Anzu's lap, dominating most of the back seat. Bakura's head rammed into Malik's ass.   
  
She placed her fingers delicately against his chin. "Malik, I had no idea. I mean I like you and all but, I'm devoted to Yami."  
  
Bakura snorted, "You wish.". However the sound was muffled because his face was squished into Malik's ass.   
  
"Hentai! Get your face out of there," Malik shrieked in a extremely high pitched tone, the window cracked slightly.  
  
Bakura rested his cheek on Malik's and rubbed gently. He grinned stupidly. "What? Afraid you'll like it?"  
  
"OFF!" He screeched. A large chunk of window broke off.  
  
Malik's Pov  
  
A few of the longest moments of my life passed by in mere seconds. The three of us made ourselves presentable to the world again just as the driver took another sharp turn. We flew up, and gravity, being the bastard that it is, chose to play a cruel, cruel game on me. Anzu fell off the seat and Bakura was sprawled over the entire thing, which left him wide open to break my fall. I crashed into the seat on all fours, carefully to avoid contact with the spirit of the ring. I glared at him, he smirked back.   
  
"Hey you two, I'd prefer you not defile my taxi. Stains are particularly hard to get out, scares away the female customers. I'd be more than happy to drive you to a motel," he finished dryly."  
  
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I screamed.  
  
Anzu sat up and caught my gaze. She than looked at Bakura, than back to me.   
  
"Oh my," her blue eyes widened and she looked away blushing furiously.  
  
I looked down at Bakura, seething. He grinned maliciously up at me.   
  
"What?!" I shrieked.  
  
I gazed back down at Bakura, my mind just now taking note of our very compromising position.   
  
The driver chuckled. "It seems to me that your silver-haired friend is very fond of you. Of course, who wouldn't be? He spun around handing me a card and a wink.  
  
For the mere seconds, that the driver took his eyes of the road, the steering wheel spun spontaneously. Anzu was safely grounded but Bakura and I flipped through the air once more. This time, myself on the bottom.   
  
Bakura smirked deviously and in the sultriest voice ever, murmured "Me likes," as he delicately brushed a stray lock of blonde hair out of my eyes.  
  
I shoved him roughly off of me.   
  
"Feisty," he purred.  
  
"Stay away from me you freak!"  
  
"Playing hard to get are we? I don't recall you pushing me away last time." He rubbed his cheek softly against mine.  
  
I panicked, I was lost for words, I, I blushed.  
  
"That, that was soo different. We were both wasted."  
  
Anzu started to cough hysterically, the driver on the other hand, he chuckled to himself and amused himself with these thoughts.  
  
"Hentai," I muttered under my breath.  
  
"What's gotten into you? Your usually the silent, twisted, I'm out to get the whole world, kind of guy. Not some pervert who only has sex on his mind."  
  
"My promiscuity is none of your business," Bakura spat at him.   
  
"Touch-y"  
  
Bakura promptly got off of me and we edged to our respective sides of the taxi. Anzu had attempted to get up, but Bakura not so innocently shoved her face to the ground with his leg. She repeated the attempt multiple times, all ending with the same results. Finally she gave up and remained silent for a few moments. Occasionally, she would try to get back up somewhat inconspicuously, however Bakura noticed. He shoved her back down with little energy, at the same time, never taking his gaze off the window.  
  
To be honest, it was quite amusing at first. Actually, no matter how many times you see it, it's always extremely entertaining to watch Anzu get shoved face first into the ground.  
  
Normal Pov  
  
After a few moments of silence, Malik decided it was too stuffy in the taxi. He rolled down the windows and small breezes drifted in and out. The winds was very comforting, at first, but soon the clouds started to hover around the sun. The usually pale blue sky slowly turned dark. Soft pitters of rain, dove toward the ground, a very cool refreshing feeling. Within five minutes the rain turned hard and people were soon looking for a place to take cover. The winds started to get harsh and bitter.  
  
"Malik roll up the windows," Anzu whined softly.  
  
He ignored her.  
  
Finally, the air dropped to minus ten and even Bakura started to complain.  
  
"Roll up the fucking window before I chop off your weenie."  
  
Malik remained silent and motionless.  
  
The unrelenting wind and rain got so harsh, that one could see one's own breath. Bakura hissed and tugged at his sun bleached hair.  
  
He gritted his teeth and said nothing.   
  
Bakura pulled, hard. A small chunk of his fine platinum hair was missing. Not enough to leave a bald spot, but enough to get a reaction from the sullen blonde.  
  
He shoved the tomb robber onto the floor, landing on top of Anzu. The oh so perky one, grinned stupidly and felt rather flattered. The same could not be said for Bakura.   
  
He grasped roughly at Malik's leg, and bit down hard.  
  
A chain of profanity streamed out of Malik's mouth.  
  
He grasped the Sennen item and forced Bakura to bang his head against the wall several times. Once the tomb robber had regained control of his body, he smirked maliciously. Reaching into his pocket, he found a match and struck it against the seat of the car. A small flame had been produced, and he discreetly guided the flame to the hem of Malik's pants before snuffing out the match. Bakura then sat back on his seat and glared daggers at Malik as if nothing was amiss.  
  
Silence filled the taxi, that is, until the blonde realized he smelled smoke. He didn't comment at first, not knowing where it was coming from; until he felt a searing pain around his leg.   
  
"Shimatta!" He tried to stomp it out on the floor, which was currently occupied by Anzu. He tried to roll around to put out the fire, but in a taxi, there is a limited amount of space. He rolled around, confined to the space between the seats, which was barely as wide as his shoulders.  
  
Of course, from Bakura's point of view it looked as if Malik was doing some not so innocent things to Anzu. The bus driver was grooving to the tunes of seventies disco and had not noticed anything amiss.  
  
The brunette screamed shrilly as the fire had caught onto her hair. Anzu sobbed hysterically and hugged Malik as tightly as she could.  
  
If you really strain your ears, and drown out the sounds of screaming, one would think that Bakura, our very dignified tomb robber was actually humming.   
  
With super human strength, Malik reached out and clutched the driver's hand.  
  
The taxi driver looked down at him.  
  
"So did you have a change of heart?" he grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.  
  
"NO! Just stop and park!" He screeched in an extremely high voice.   
  
Shrugging it off, the bus driver whistled happily and pulled up to the curb.   
  
Bakura, being the helpful person he was, locked the door and used shadow magic to set up a small barrier.  
  
Malik frantically started to hack at the door with his Sennen rod, until he could crawl out of the taxi. Once outside, he rolled around the sidewalk setting out the flames. The hard sting of rain caused him to scream more than several times. Several people stopped to stare. It might not have been such a scene, but it wasn't everyday when a attractive Egyptian boy crawled out of a hole in a taxi with his pants on fire and was rolling around in the muddy rain. Anzu followed him and once they were finished, they clambered back into the taxi, dripping wet from head to toe, with mud splattered all over their clothes.  
  
Being the reasonable person that he was, Malik took a dive for the tomb robber, but Anzu got there first. She grasped his neck and started to strangle him while sobbing hysterically.  
  
"I-I I can't believe you," she choked. "Y-You.. I almost, I could've.." she broke down completely and locked her arms around him, pulling him into a lethal hug. She sobbed into his chest, digging her nails into his back. Anzu's hands had made there way to Bakura's hair and she snuggled up to him and wouldn't let go for the world.  
  
Bakura sat stiffly on the edge of his seat, not uttering a single word of complaint while the brunette was clinging onto him. His left eye and the corner of his mouth started to twitch, but he could only sit there, suffering silently.  
  
That leaves us with Malik, who was nursing his leg where Bakura had previously bit him, also eyeing the scorch marks on his pants, from the fire. Anzu's hair, he noted, had also been singed considerably.  
  
All the same, he sat there quite contentedly. Feeling as though justice had been served, he glanced happily at Bakura who was being held hostage by Anzu, even though, he was going to spend countless hours at the mall with Anzu, suffering from the same fate as the Tomb Robber; even though he was missing a chunk of his hair; even though the window was still open and rain was pouring in, and even though, there was a large chunk of door was missing from the hole he created; even though, seventies disco was still blaring from the radio, all it took was once glance at Bakura's face and he couldn't stop grinning.  
  
Owari.  
  
Translations:  
  
Itai - ouch  
  
kisama- bastard  
  
hentai- pervert  
  
shimatta- shit  
  
Special thanks to BlueMew and Yui E Yumi for beta testing for me ^^ You guys rock!  
  
A/N: groans* I know, I know, it needs work. Oh and incase your wondering, no I do not enjoy letting Anzu talk. About that line, 'I'm hopelessly devoted to Yami.. *barfs* I like to pair Yami up with Yugi.. I mean come on.. a sex god and the epitome of cuteness..   
  
Forgive me if there a little out of charecter, who wouldn't be after spending time with Anzu? I'd love to pull her hair out.. any ways.. suggestions? constructive criticism? Whatever.. but if you'd be so kind... *points to the review button* 


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